A Study in Speciation
Based on regular sightings on Indian roads
India is like Hotel California, albeit with a twist – you can check in anytime you like, and you can definitely leave. But it never leaves you.
Every visitor ends up becoming an Indophile, regaling their friends and families back home with stories. Stories that are about our heritage, history, number of people, climate, colours, the famed Indian hospitality that is generous to a fault, the food, our jugaadu attitude that makes the impossible happen with a uniquely Indian touch, about our nonchalance about our non-compliance of time, … the list is probably endless.
If you are wondering if this preamble is leading to yet another post about ‘Incredible India’, then it is not. But then it also is. Because what you are about to read is nothing short of incredible and it is as uniquely Indian as it can get. It’s something that everyone - residents as well as visitors - has experienced. But sadly, there has neither been as much visibility, nor have there been any conversations about it. It is such a meme, Insta and TikTok worthy experience, but sadly it hasn’t found its rightful place on the world stage. This post is a small attempt to give the devil his due.
I may not be a globetrotter, but I have logged in my fair share of air miles. Yet I haven’t come across anything that comes close to this one trait in any of the countries that I have travelled to across Asia, Europe, Africa and America. Without any further ado, let me introduce you to yet another incredibly, uniquely Indian trait that we have made an art form out of … and that is …
Now you might say, dear reader, what is there to write about such a basic thing, such a simple act. There is this side of a road, there are cars and other sundry moving and movable objects, and then there is the other side of the road. Often, people have to go from this side of the road to the other side of the road. That’s it. This process is the same in every part of the world, whichever hand-drive the vehicles of that country happen to have. Sometimes there are some mishaps that happen while doing so. That is the nature of the beast. Mostly one tends to complete the task without any eventualities. But in India … well … we tend to do things differently.
A Historical Perspective
As all things Indian go, there is a fair bit of history to everything. Though this particular art form of crossing the road has no documented evidence, I wouldn’t be far off the mark with the historical reasons I have logically arrived at that I think have played a role in its evolution.
While the British did rule our country for a good few hundred years, it was only in the places that they took a fancy to – which of course meant those that either gave them political or monetary might – did they carve out proper roads which facilitated flow of traffic in opposing directions without the concerned means of transport banging into each other. This meant that larger cities were their favoured ones to have a concept called a road. The inhabitants of the rest of the country either traveled to the cities to take note of this concept, or they would have to do things as per their imagination.
With bigger cities becoming migration magnets, the job of developing a basic infrastructural need called roads remained unfinished in most parts of the country. It wasn’t well begun, and it wasn’t half done. But that wasn’t the only problem.
The bigger problem was that while the British did build the roads, but by the time they could instil a sense of civility and imparted the basics of how to build them, then use them and finally how to navigate from one side of the road to the other, their attention was diverted by the momentum that the freedom struggle was riding on. Between imparting lessons in civility and trying to retain their hold on the jewel in their crown, they obviously chose the latter. Nevertheless they were driven out of the country. And rightly so. For how long should we have allowed them to suppress our basic human rights like free movement, freely? We said, “Enough is enough!” After all we were/are a multi-millennium civilization. Surely, we too know a few things that constitute a civil society.
And so, we were left to our own devices. There were two challenges we were faced with – the bigger metropolises had well designed roads that constituted downtown but no one to guide as to how to optimise their use; and the rest of the country had half an idea of what constituted a well-designed road. I will focus on cities as the topic at hand is one of crossing the road. The rest of India has taken freedom of movement to a different level from which there are no comebacks.
Once King George VI’s troops and emissaries left our shores (much as we think that Elizabeth was Queen since forever, she wasn’t crowned until a good 6 years after we gained independence), we shored up whatever knowledge we had and used it to expand the boundaries of our cities. The differences are stark – especially in the metros.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out from which point onwards we took charge of expanding our cities once our white skinned invaders had exited. Is it any wonder that only those sections of major metropolises that had been designed and developed by them still make the best locations to ‘go for a drive’? For e.g., does anyone staying in Mumbai say “Let’s go for a drive to Saki Naka!” ‘Going for a drive’ almost always means going town-side - a part of Mumbai that, fortunately, still retains the charm and most of the infrastructure of the 1900’s.
But I digress …
The Current Predicament
Coming back to the subject matter of this post - we were a country that was left w.i.p. around 75 years back and remains w.i.p. till date. Not only do we not have proper road signs and road markers, even our traffic signals are placed and timed so haphazardly that vehicular as well as pedestrian traffic is left with no choice but to circumvent whatever little rules and regulations are in place, and invent new ones in the process.
At least the vehicle owners are still taught by shady-looking driving school instructors the right side of road to drive, red says stop, green says go, pavements are for hawkers, left side of the roads are for pedestrians, etc etc etc. But what about pedestrians? The last time any kind of civic sense lessons were imparted in us were in lower primary grades. But since subjects like Community Living or their equivalents in various curriculums are not meant to be given any importance as they don’t make you a doctor or an engineer, entire generations keep getting raised without the basics of any kind of etiquettes in place – road etiquettes included.
So, we have a concept called a road but are ill-equipped to optimize its, and our, functioning. The fact that on major high traffic roads, a zebra crossing at the traffic signal intersection is the only place that a road must be crossed at has been conveniently ignored from the time we learnt to walk. Conscientious kids, fresh from their lessons in school, who dared to tell their folks to cross the road at a zebra crossing are rhetorically asked ‘Apne baap ko sikhayega?!?’ and given a not-so-mild tap on their heads and pulled along. The municipal corporations of the metros too lend a helping hand by not repainting faded zebra crossing markers - leave alone paint fresh ones once the road has been re-tarred or concretised. Even on smaller, inner city roads a basic rule like ‘look to your right, look to your left, and then cross’ is never implemented.
Now that the historical perspective and our current predicament has been contextualised, I will now delve a bit deeper into what it has resulted in, or evolved into.
As a student of Microbiology and Biochemistry, I harboured dreams of being holed up in a laboratory peering into a microscope. But life had other plans and instead of microscopes I peered into the lives of microcosms of society making them buy things they (probably) never felt the need for. Little did I know that my dormant scientific and research instincts would nevertheless come to the fore when my own city would become a gargantuan lab for me to do a study in Speciation.
It’s an in-depth study that I have conducted over almost three decades of driving a four-wheeler in what is reputed to be one of the most ‘disciplined’ cities in India, insofar as traffic sense is concerned.
National Geographic defines Speciation as follows:
Speciation is how a new kind of plant or animal species is created. Speciation occurs when a group within a species separates from other members of its species and develops its own unique characteristics.
These are called sub-species. The outcome of what I have written so far is that urban jungles have spawned multiple sub-species of unique road crossers. It would have been very simplistic and dismissive on my part to just categorise them as cretins. But what I realised is that the malaise runs far deeper and wider and it would be a disservice to give them the short shrift.
Since I like driving, in the chaos that Mumbai traffic is, I have been a hands-on (literally) behind-the-wheel researcher. What seemed to be one-off incidences and experiences in the initial years of my research, are full-blown behavioural traits today. This has led me to the conclusion that the behaviours demonstrated by the various sub-species - individually and occasionally in tandem - have been highly contagious, the effects of which have been debilitating and permanent on society at large. It has given rise to a silent, slow-burn endemic of sorts against which there is not only no immunity, but we all are becoming victims of increasing levels of impunity that these sub-species demonstrate.
Summarised below are the findings of my study.
(I)
The ‘Russi Mody’ Sub-species
In the days when titans in the Tata Group were rulers of their princely states, aka factory townships, Russi Mody was the king among them. Legend has it, especially within the corridors of the Tata Group, that once he had driven to Bombay House (HQ of the Tata Group), parked his car right in front of the entrance and coolly walked into the building. A traffic cop who was manning the street to catch offenders promptly blew his whistle and told Russi Mody to move his car since it was a No-Parking zone. Mody who was unused to dealing with plebeians got into a small argument with the cop. The cop too lost it and blasted Mody saying ‘Aise baat kar raha hai jaise yeh raasta tumhare baap ka hain!’ To which Mody quipped, ‘Haan yeh raasta mere baap ka hain. Yeh Homi Mody Street hain, aur woh mera baap tha!’
Though not everyone can claim to have streets named after their fathers, we still have an ever-growing population of this sub-species everywhere. They are the most widely prevalent sub-species, and they take massive offence if confronted. Specimens of this sub-species has utter contempt for those moving on four wheels, probably because they are not inside one. They feel this gives them the right to cross the road when they feel fit. You dare not honk as that will stop them from crossing, stand right in front of your car, give the bonnet a massive slam, utter a few choice expletives, and finish off their solo act by saying ‘Rasta tumhare baap ka hai kya? Dikhta nahi cross kar raha hoon??’
(II)
The ‘Phoren Returned’ Sub-species
Mentally, this sub-species belongs to Dubai, or the U.S. of A or any other part of the world where they drive cars in a direction that is a mirror image of how we drive here in India. In their heads they are on the right side of the road, and us (bloody) Indians drive on the wrong side. Hence, they are not at fault when they first look in a direction that is opposite to the direction in which the car is approaching them. It is the sub-species’ way of telling everyone that when we asked the British to leave, we should have also let go of the system designed by them and adopted a more ‘international’ approach. The fault lies in the system, not with them. Note to the driver: do not honk or curse. You will be tempted to ask them, “Dubai se aaya hain kya?” But desist.
(I tried real hard, but was just not able to find a suitable visual reference for this sub-species. But I am pretty sure most of you would have visualised the specimens belonging to this sub-species.)
(III)
The ‘Kabaddi Metaverse’ Sub-species
Members of this sub-species are in a kabaddi metaverse where the game never ends. This sub-species will weave in and out, go back and forth, go sideways, in tangents, hunker down, and eventually leap just to make it to the other side of the road. For them, oncoming cars are like the opposing team crowding in on them preventing them from going to the other side. All you can do as a driver is applaud their acrobatics and fervently pray that they are spotted by a team owner of a Pro Kabaddi League team like Abhishek Bachchan, where they can put their skills to good use, and earn good money while they are at it. Plus there is no risk to life.
(IV)
The ‘Convex / Concave’ Sub-species
This sub-species crosses the road in a straight line at their pace, but has a sharp sense of an approaching vehicle at an angle perpendicular to their angle of crossing. Depending on whether the vehicle is approaching them from their front or their rear, this sub-species contorts itself in either a convex or a concave posture at just the right moment that the vehicle narrowly misses scraping a little flesh off their bodies. It’s an art form they have mastered. You will invariably find members of this sub-species giving a smug look to the driver who is heaving a sigh of relief for having narrowly averted a traffic violation case for themselves, and a medical emergency for the sub-species - for which too the driver could be held responsible for under culpable homicide not amounting to murder. (I am no legal expert, but it’s a term I have read once too often and I think it applies here. Also it reads quite serious, doesn’t it?)
(V)
The ‘Frozen’ Sub-species
This sub-species was never meant to step out of the house, let alone cross roads. But now that they have, all their fears come to the fore. Not when they begin the act of crossing the road, but after they have reached the mid-point of their journey. This sub-species will have a sudden panic attack and freeze right in the middle of the road with cars whizzing past them. Or in other words, they come to a crossroads (my fingers were itching to use this wordplay at least once in this post) though there is only one way to go. Given the intensity and chaotic nature of traffic conditions in most parts of the country, this frozen state of theirs could last a lifetime. Or they could adopt the ‘Mandrake’ sub-species approach (coming up next). The ‘Frozen’ sub-species is also prone to sticking out their tongue in an apparent act of contrition.
(VI)
The ‘Mandrake’ Sub-species
For those familiar with Mandrake the Magician, his specialty was in just gesturing hypnotically and the perpetrator would do his bidding - like stop looting a bank, for example. The ‘Mandrake’ sub-species too believes they are in possession of this unearthly power of just gesturing oncoming cars to stop when, and where, they deem it right to cross the road. One raise of their hand, with a swag that would put Salman Khan to shame, and their small expectation is that all oncoming vehicles should just freeze in their tracks and allow Their Highness to go to the other side. As a driver you can defy them at your own risk. ‘Saale, andhaa hain kya? Rukne ko bola na. Dikhta nahi hai kya?’ is what you will get to hear. This utterance may or may not be accompanied by a banging of the bonnet of your car.
(VII)
The ‘Reflex Testing’ Sub-species
All those who drive will attest to the fact that we develop a sense of distance-time-momentum. That, and the brake lights of the vehicle in front of you that light up. This sense tells us when to brake and how hard to brake. It is this sense that also sees us having our right foot within striking distance of the brake pedal.
The specialty of the ‘Reflex Testing’ sub-species is that they think that they have brake lights on their bodies that emit visible light signals. This sub-species does not have the impunity of some of the earlier ones mentioned here. They are not oblivious to an oncoming vehicle. They do a quick analysis of the situation, decide that they need to speed up to cross, actually break into a light trot, and then inexplicably go into s l o w m o t i o n like some unknown, unseen force has taken a hold of them. This sub-species is also perfectly capable of starting slow and then speeding up all of a sudden.
You, the car driver, cannot afford to relax on seeing their initial response. Let your guard down a bit and you will find yourself scrambling to hurriedly apply the brakes to bring your car to a screeching halt. Which is seen as an affront by this sub-species as they think that we have missed the fact that they are crossing the road!
(VIII)
The ‘B.V. Pradhan’ Sub-species
This is the most frustrating of all the sub-species. It also pains me to say that this sub-species exploits their age factor. They will refuse any by-standing good Samaritan who wants to help them. Don’t they realise that with the sub-par infrastructural facilities in the cities, we have since long been a - to borrow from the title of a Coen Brothers classic - ‘No Country For Old People’.
The slightly younger among this sub-species live by the ‘rassi tooti par bal nahi gaya’ dictum and hence revel in their ability to morph into the ‘Mandrake’ or ‘Russi Mody’ sub-species, at will (see gif below). You can’t even curse at this sub-species, as it raises questions on your upbringing. This sub-species still lives in an era when there were only a handful of Fiats and Ambassadors on the road, and can’t really be blamed for not knowing how to cross a road in the first place.
(My naming of this sub-species is a nod to Anupam Kher’s character in Saraansh who went by the name B.V. Pradhan, not a character assassination of someone who actually goes by that name. He was a convenient senior citizen, I felt. Senior, when sympathy was to be garnered. Spunky, when standing up for the rights of his paying guest.)
It is also extremely important to note that the behaviours exhibited by all these sub-species mentioned above are geographically restricted only to India. All these sub-species, bar none, exhibit polar opposite behaviours when they travel abroad. It is also important to note that on returning to the familiar shores of India, their adopted traits are left behind at the immigration counter of the airport.
Just when I thought I had covered the spectrum, and also concluded that the traits of these sub-species are territorially restricted to India, I chanced upon another independent study done in some other part of the world on the same subject with live action videos as demos, to boot (Since this is a free newsletter, I don’t have the budgets to shoot such elaborate demos.). It reaffirms what I said in the very first line - you can leave India, it never leaves you.
This study is proof that the presence of, and spawning of, newer ones is due to the contagious and self-evolutionary nature of these sub-species that seem to have made their presence felt in the West as well.
Before I go, three simple tips to tackle these various sub-species:
- Always make sure that your car is cooled at a temperature low enough that it gives you a bit of a chill. You won’t have to suffer for long because sure enough you will encounter one of these sub-species that will make your blood boil. The low temperature will help prevent a few capillaries from bursting.
- Always have your windows rolled up. Not only because you want to protect yourself from pollution (while adding to it at the same time), but also because it is inefficient to drive with the AC on with the windows rolled down - though it’s fun and you should try it sometime. But the main reason to keep your windows rolled up is that even when you swear at any of these sub-species, they will never be able to hear what you just said. Sure, there will be a few lip-reading ones that you might encounter who will know exactly what you just uttered (like we all know what Virat Kohli says on field), and chances are they will inflict a reverse road rage on to you. At that time, you can always flash your phone and say that you were cursing your friend, not them. A sub-tip here: it will help if you keep a wireless ear-pod in one ear to make it completely fool-proof.
- Learn to count to 10. And in multiples thereof. Keep counting till you encounter another specimen of some sub-species. Which shouldn’t take too long. Then start over again. It’s not too difficult. And it always helps soothe your frayed nerves.
Be braver. Be kinder.
Though I love driving and have tons of patience, I sometimes wonder what would that trigger be for me to lose my shit and go ballistic on any one specimen of the sub-species I have written about above. My solution to curb such feelings is to watch someone else do it on screen. Nobody is one such film that gave me that much needed vicarious pleasure of watching cretins getting bashed up. You will too.
An everyday family man’s house is burgled. That sets off a trigger in him where he goes on a rampage to avenge it, that inadvertently ends up rubbing a Russian mobster the wrong way. What ensues is complete mayhem where bodies fall like ninepins all around. In the course of the proceedings we get to know his background and how he’s given up a life of violence, but has now once again been drawn into it. Bob Odenkirk (Better Call Saul) as the protagonist is the new Liam Neeson of Taken. Christopher Lloyd (the mad scientist from Back To The Future) as his father is delightful. The end titles have left an opening for a franchise.
Nobody | Apple TV & YouTube | Buy or Rent
Loved it! My favorite is the concave convex ref! A classic!! Hahahahahahaha!
Good one Shantanu 👌