R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Over the weekend I briefly heard Bono’s “60 Songs That Saved My Life”. It’s a playlist that Bono put together to mark his 60th birthday a few years ago. It’s a playlist as diverse, as broad, as all-encompassing and as all-inclusive as it can get. After all anything lesser can’t be expected from one of the most celebrated voices the world has known over the last 4+ decades – not just musically, but also in terms of being the voice for the under-represented, for the oppressed, for the diseased, and the causes go on and on. Bono’s has been a life that’s been well-lived, well-celebrated and well-documented. It is possibly what has helped him remain relevant for so many decades when the average life-span of a rockstar rarely goes into the double digits. His public persona has always been one of being brash, arrogant (occasionally) … he would like to believe he is an enfant terrible – making provocative statements, always disrupting status quo, causing a stir, looking up skirts (as he likes to call it). Way back in 1981 when his band U2 was in its infancy, Bono had famously proclaimed “I don’t mean to be arrogant but I do feel that we are meant to be one of the great groups.”
The point I am driving towards is that if you haven’t been fanatical about following the band and devouring every piece of news about its four members, and if you only go by what you see or hear about Bono, then he is the last person you would expect any level of humility from. And yet, on going through the liner notes of the playlist (full list in the link) even a casual listener/reader will be struck by the amount of respect he has for artistes of yore – some dead, some living – and artistes of today. From artistes who are pure rock and rollers, to artistes who are rap stars, R&B heavyweights, soul churners, classical masters, melancholics and what have you. For each one of them he has penned beautiful short letters to the artistes themselves (or to their nearest of kin or progeny, if the artiste has passed on) as to why that particular song means so much to him. Each of the letters is signed off as “Your fan, Bono”. Imagine a 60 year old hugely accomplished rockstar signing off as being a fan of an 18 year old Billie Eilish, for example!
The underlying emotion or sentiment behind each of those letters is one of RESPECT. Respect for what that artiste or band was able to do which Bono felt he wished he could do, but wasn’t able to. Sample these …
Going through the liner notes I realised that respect knows no genre. Else why would a rock & roll guy have anything to do with rappers and pop stars and techno stars?
Respect knows no boundaries. Respect doesn’t know age – neither yours or the person’s that you respect. Respect recognises someone else’s quality as being superior to yours. You can respect someone only when you have the ability to realise and appreciate that even though you may be someone, if you cannot do that one thing that someone else is capable of doing, then you have to recognise that shortcoming in you.
But the one question bugging me all through was how do super achievers like Bono who live in echo chambers of praise and ego massaging all the time even develop a mentality that respects others?
Think about it – you are surrounded by fans and sychophants who put you on a pedestal. All that you hear all the time is how good you are. How you are better than the others. How you have outdone the others. Etc etc etc. Imagine how difficult it will be for you to be even aware of a world outside of this bubble? You wouldn’t want to know about anyone else or even acknowledge their presence, let alone praise them. Respect for the work of others doesn’t even come anywhere within striking distance of this altered reality that their lives are.
So what differentiates the greats from the good-s?
I believe that at its core respect comes from
humility,
being secure about who you are and what you are all about, and
a little bit of constructive envy.
There are some themes that emerge in what can be called an achiever’s psychology (thank you perplexity.ai). These are:
Imposter syndrome – where you feel you are a ‘fraud’, hence believe you only have shortcomings and hence retreat further into your bubble for fear of being outed.
Reciprocal Influence - recognizing that their own success is often built on the contributions and influences of others in their field.
Social Comparison – where you are constantly looking over your shoulder, comparing yourself all the time to your own detriment.
Growth Mindset – fosters a love for learning and striving for constant improvement.
All the four themes are variations of humility and being secure in some form or the other.
The Imposter Syndrome can be debilitating if you are actually the fake-it-till-you-make-it kind. As Gotye so brilliantly puts it in his song Smoke & Mirrors: You're a fraud, and you know it / But it's too good to throw it all away / … / Sometimes you even fool yourself a bit / It's like magic / But it's always been a smoke and mirrors game. But if you know what you are all about, then you will feel an imposter because you are striving for perfection, not survival. That’s where being secure in your abilities can be used to your advantage. Bono’s fan letters to those 60 artistes are a study in him finding himself falling short in communicating something that he wanted to, but was simply not able to. And hence the graciousness and generosity in acknowledging oneself as an ‘imposter’. You will find the positive facet of the Imposter Syndrome amply evident in loads of videos on YouTube of round table discussions that various journalists host with 5-6 leading actors or directors all celebrating each other’s work. It’s a mutual admiration society, only full of praise for each other. Part of it could be projection of humility, but something tells me that there is genuine awe and appreciation for each other’s craft. There is also that bit of envy at play which no one disguises because it only makes them realise their own standing.
Similarly, Reciprocal Influence is also about being secure about your own abilities and capabilities. And then seeking out the best exponents of whatever it is you know you fall short of. Reciprocal Influence is also about keeping aside your ego at the doorstep as collaborations don’t work if the involved parties don’t complement each other. In this case complementing works wayyy better than complimenting. The men of the moment – the Angry Young Men, Salim-Javed - are an exemplary illustration of Reciprocal Influence, belting out one blockbuster after another with a strike rate of 92% - 22 blockbusters out of 24 collaborations!! Stupendous.
Social Comparison, on the other hand, is all about humility. You can seek out different ways, newer ways to better yourself by being open enough, and humble enough, to imbibe new influences so that you can better your own product. Social Comparison is also about being aware of someone else’s superiority and the magnitude of it. There is an element of empathy that is also at play here. In a way respect and empathy are two sides of the same coin. One can’t have one and not the other.
I am reminded of an incident I had heard many years ago. This was the time when Sachin Tendulkar was going through a rough patch in the early years of the 2000s. Runs were not forthcoming and flowing as easily. Couch critics had already started murmuring whether it was time for him to call it a day. That he should make way for newer talent. Etc etc. A colleague of mine happened to go for a party hosted by the BCCI when the Australians were on tour. There was a table on which a few non-cricketing cricket experts were sitting. So was Matthew Hayden. One of the ‘experts’ started espousing on how bad Tendulkar was and what a burden he was, and for how long should he be playing, etc. Apparently he was in full flow, possibly thinking that Hayden would be happy listening to their arch nemesis being criticised. This went for a while when Hayden could take it no longer. He pushed back his chair, stood full length up, puffed up his barrel chest, was red in the face and told the ‘expert’ in no uncertain terms that he didn’t know what he was talking about, and that if he said another word against Tendulkar he (Hayden) would punch him right in his face. Saying that he walked off in a rage leaving the ‘expert’ shitting his pants. Mildly put Hayden was using Social Comparison as a tool to demonstrate his respect for Tendulkar.
Lastly, Growth Mindset is about always pushing the boundaries. It is also about recognising and respecting the talent in others. At the same time it is also about envy – positively deployed. Unless you are envious in a positive way about someone outgrowing you, you will never be able to grow yourself. Case in point being Kareem Abdul Jabbar. He was being harangued last year about whether he was envious when LeBron James broke his record to become the all-time highest scorer in the NBA – a record that stood for 38 years! Jabbar retired the year LeBron was born, but it still didn’t deter the narrow minded ones from forcing some non-existent competitiveness.
Jabbar wrote a beautiful Substack post about the event – do read the post. These are his thoughts in words: “Since LeBron broke my record, people have asked online if I’m envious of LeBron … Yes, I envy LeBron, … but no more than I envy the way those kids can dance in videos I post. I envy the first page of Gillian Flynn’s Sharp Objects, one of the most graceful and skilled novel openings I’ve ever read. I envy Stevie Wonder’s musical genius. I envy Sarah Silverman’s sense of humor. I envy the way Aaron Judge can hit a baseball. I envy the generosity and compassion of people I read about every day. But that little twinge of envy allows me to appreciate them more and inspires me to strive harder each day to be better at the things I can actually be better at … Whenever a sports record is broken—including mine—it’s a time for celebration. It means someone has pushed the boundaries of what we thought was possible to a whole new level. When one person climbs higher than the last person, we all feel like we are capable of being more.”
What Jabbar has is a Growth Mindset. He is more worried about his social legacy now than his basketball one. He has moved on from the NBA since long. He has grown in his outlook. And he has learnt to accept another player’s superiority, something that has helped him grow. And at the same time he has retained envy as part of his arsenal to grow in more ways than one.
On a personal note, I recently lost an uncle of mine. He was a fantastic raconteur, storyteller and a self-taught / self-experienced life-lessons-philosopher. He always led a ‘rich’ life even though he grew up in hardships and a hand-to-mouth existence that restricted his formal education. The germ of thought for today’s post came from something that I was reminded of when I heard the news of his demise. He had once told me that one has to respect everyone, irrespective of what they do, how much they earn, how much they are educated.
To illustrate his point he gave me the examples of two ‘professionals’ – the railway station porter (coolies as they are dismissively addressed) and the gas cylinder delivery guy. He said that these are ‘professionals’ that we hardly give a thought to, and wouldn’t think twice before putting them down. They are professionals because they are professional at what they do. And that we had no right to be condescending towards them since we would not be able to lift our luggage or a gas cylinder in one swift movement to hoist it over our shoulders the way they do. Try doing that once, he said, and you will see how pathetic your attempt will be. (I tried only once with the gas cylinder - he was right.)
If we are not able to do what they do, or for that matter if we are not able to do what someone else does and do it better, then we have no right to look down upon them. And if you are better than others in your chosen field, then you should be humble about it since there will always be something that someone else will always be better at than you.
This one piece of ‘gyan’ told in a non-gyan manner has stayed with me all through. It was this attitude of his that made my uncle both rich and wealthy in his long life. It is this nugget that I have tried to live by. I think I have done a decent job at it. It has defined my life, who I am, how I behave and how I carry myself. Thank you, Kaka. Rest in peace.
Be braver. Be kinder.
For Keep Watching this time I am recommending you a documentary to watch - The Greatest Night in Pop - on one of the most epochal records that has ever been recorded - U.S.A. (United Support of Artistes) for Africa. The reason why I feel it is a fit with the topic of today’s post is because we get to see all the four themes of an achiever’s psychology in full play here. And how it was this very psychology that was put to good use by more than 30 artistes for a cause that saw it raise millions of dollars right when it was needed. The key to why it succeeded - there was a sign put up on the door of the recording studio that said “Check your ego at the door”. And, on a lighter note, the fact that Stevie Wonder greeted the musicians as they entered, and said that if the recording was not completed in one take, he and Ray Charles, two blind men, would drive everybody home!
The Greatest Night in Pop | Documentary | Netflix
Hello Shantanu ,
Nice post with a very Apt title . Liked the manner in which you transitioned it with an interesting beginning with Bono to an impactful ending through pearls of wisdom from your uncle .